Sunday, June 28, 2015

HOLY DAYS - Love & Horror







“They tried to kill me in this place of love and horror. They tried to kill me, but they couldn’t because I loved too much.” – Gloria Wisher, Holy Days

This morning I read an AP news story about the terrorist shootings at a Tunisian resort in which a shooter opened fire on tourists relaxing on a beach. The writer, Elaine Ganley described the scene: “From accounts of the attack by shocked survivors, tourists who stayed on, lifeguards and beach employees who helped at the site of the massacre emerge stories of love and horror.”
The same can be said for the terrorist bombing of the Boston Marathon, during which some people ran from the disaster and others ran toward the horror to do help all they could. Or the 911 terrorist attack on the World Trade Towers, most people ran away, others, some of them trained professionals, some extraordinary citizens, ran toward the danger to give aid. Our own soldiers rush toward horror in war and they do so out of love, love for country, love for duty, love for honor. Abused children, it has been noted, suffer from the same PTSD as our soldiers. However, in the case of child abuse, the trauma is ongoing like war, not past, until the child grows up.
This morning, I was struck by the similarity of the words Gloria speaks about her home and the description of a terror attack. I have often compared my character, Gloria Wisher to someone who is being terrorized. Nothing so overtly terrible as gunshots or bombings is happening to Gloria. She is being covertly harmed by the very people who are supposed to love and protect her. However, unlike the other terror victims, Gloria is too small to run away. In Holy Days, Gloria Wisher has no choice but to remain in the place of her horror, in the family and the neighborhood where she is being molested.
In another sense, Gloria also runs toward the horror. Gloria never stops loving her family, and her father. In a larger sense, Gloria also loves her home and her neighborhood. She clings to them as a kidnapped victim clings to her kidnapper for food, shelter, comfort – and identity. She loves the boy who will rape her. How can this happen? Maybe it’s because Gloria, though young, is a devout Catholic. But, this love does not involve the Catholic Church or Catholic doctrine. She loves as Jesus loved. This love is not about forgiveness. It’s pure love. Love of life, love of the pain as well as the joy. Gloria’s rapist was hit by a truck when he was little, but survived with a disfiguring scar over his eye that mirrors his disturbed mind. Gloria admires him for surviving such an ordeal. She admires his toughness and his bravery. But, she is also afraid of him. The rapist in Holy Days is a metaphor for the larger scene of horrors that Gloria must struggle with every day. How much of what happens is a part of her? How much should she transform or reject? Gloria loves the people, the smells, the roughness, the softness, the fear and the comfort. On one hand, we love our homes, on the other; we are sometimes hurt by what happens there. By no means am I suggesting that women should love their rapists. It is a fact, however, that the terror of a bad home is very bound up with love.
            A few years ago, I was asked to write a poem for peace. The occasion was a Day of Peace, and I wrestled with this request. Many of my friends were going to be present. They were all writing poems. I was expected to come up with a poem about peace. But, I was bitter. I did not believe in peace. I did not think mankind could ever achieve what my wonderful friends and colleagues were so starry-eyed and hopeful for. So, when I sat down to write, I began with those words, “I do not believe in peace.” I ended the poem with these words, words that describe terrorism of all kinds: “And, I do not believe in hate, because all hate is really love of something else.”  

©Patricia Goodwin, 2015

Patricia Goodwin is the author of Holy Days, about the survival and transformation of Gloria Wisher, When Two Women Die, about Marblehead legends and true crime and its sequel, Dreamwater, about the Salem witch trials and the vicious 11-year-old pirate Ned Low.

Saturday, May 30, 2015

HOLY DAYS - Sexual Memories








     Holy Days used to be titled Sexual Memories. Sometimes I wish it still were. It wouldn’t have a child on the cover, though I often talk about Gloria Wisher’s early sexuality in the novel, in such chapters as “Feeling the World,” for instance, because that’s how I remember life. “What a riot, what an orgy of living my little life was for me! I wondered at the peculiar mixture I was of Mama and Daddy, Nona, Grandma and Grandpa and all the things I saw and felt and ate and breathed. A part of me was perverted as though the good in Mama and all her generations had met the bad in Daddy and all his generations, had somehow twisted like a curious string of DNA creating this perversion, putting me beyond them both and everything.”
    Early chapters are structured around strong male and female images, sensual eating, beautiful gardens, wine, powerful paternal and maternal figures, brothers, sisters, men in uniform, women in soft sweaters, cigarette smoking, laughing, lipsticked lips, and the barren city street alive only with people. From the chapter “Love Parties,” “The house banged and stomped and ran with people; it called out and answered in happy shouts. They didn’t talk to each other in normal voices, they bellowed from deep in their bellies, with joy, with rage, with a deep relish of their joy and rage; from room to room, up the stairs or down, from the refrigerator to the stove, from adjoining beds, they loved the sound of themselves.”
     I describe the streets of East Boston in a chapter called “Sexual Law.” Gloria’s mother, Rosie, was forbidden by her father to ride a bike or skate in the street. Gloria’s response was this, “Grandpa knew how provocative these motions could be: her limbs rising and falling, her behind, a smooth, stiff outline, her red curls beckoning in the breeze. Mama on a bike! Mama on roller skates! I can feel Grandpa’s shudder going through me!
     But, Grandpa’s law couldn’t stop sexual law and restraint made Mama even more innocent and desirable. Especially to the bad boys. Boys like Jake and Daddy. Mama was really good. She prayed and went to mass and confession. She received Holy Communion every Sunday. She obeyed her father and her mother. She had that good look: round and soft and unaware of her power, a labyrinth of red curls, chubby legs in ankle socks and thick high heels stepping up into the corner store. The bad ones, without jobs, without homes, dropped out of school, squinting through the haze of cigarettes, were pulled right to her, without knowing what on earth had happened to them.”
     I remember life in the poor neighborhood as being shot through with sex: “When a young woman stepped out of the house, her sex went up like a shot and young men, standing around all day in the company of other men - like soldiers or sailors who’d been deprived of softness and a sweet smell - stood alert suddenly, even though they seemed not to have altered their slouches against the tenement wall or the store window. They squinted over their cigarettes and a hush, as though decided communally, instinctively, fell over them and inwardly, their feelings swelled as she walked by. Maybe one or two didn’t look at her: they watched her without looking. The others gave her the eye, up and down, through the haze of smoke. In the hush, the tension gathered, to be let out as soon as she passed, when they could still smell her, when she could still hear them, they’d let it all out, swoosh, as remarks she could just barely - or not - hear, but could feel, in a rush of heat through her veins.”
     The poor neighborhood is especially vulnerable to sexual power: “The tenements were close, less than two feet of alley separated them. Sometimes one wall held two houses together. Clotheslines crisscrossed, colored flags flapped from them; women’s voluptuous arms tugged the ropes and pulleys. Windows slid open and women’s arms tossed buckets of water out the windows. The women sang out to each other all day, their voices calling Italian like a song. We lived window to window, door to door, radio to radio, telephone to telephone - how many times did Daddy answer another man’s phone, picking up our receiver, saying “Hello?” into the dial tone? How many times did he look across to see another man’s wife naked in the dark?”
     Gloria is a victim of incest. For years, therapists have been telling victims of incest, “Incest is not about sex, it’s about power. Rape – and incest is rape – may be about power for the rapist, but it is about sex for the victim. Incest is about sex.
     Sex is about power. At it’s best, sex is about the mutual power of the beloved: being loved is empowering, being made love to by the one you love who also loves you is empowering. If either partner is unwilling or uncomfortable, then the power structure becomes unbalanced. Sex becomes seduction at the least, rape at the most extreme. My definition of rape – would it have happened if you were in charge?
     Therapists mean well when they tell victims that incest is not about sex; it’s about power. But, victims know better. Therapists admit that sexual pleasure experienced during incest confuses victims. Victims ask themselves or their therapists, “Then how come I had an orgasm?” “How come I sexually fantasize about incest?” “How come incest has become the source of my desires?” “How come I cannot have a happy sex life?” “Why do I always feel guilty or dirty when I have sex?”
       The answer to all of those questions is for the victim, incest is about sex. For most victims of incest, incest is their first sexual experience, one that can both mar and make their sexual identity.  Their rapist is usually someone familiar, someone in authority, someone they trust: the very person who is teaching the child about the world, about reality. Incest becomes the child's view of reality. In Holy Days, Gloria envies what she calls "real people doing real things." She watches other kids, rich kids, going to a local baseball game dressed in real baseball uniforms and feels excluded from such wholesome activities.
      In Holy Days, incest is but a symptom of the over-riding sexual power of the neighborhoods and the families. Gloria is incested by her father. She is also raped by the boy next door. Her brother, who “sells” her to her rapist, becomes a thief at 10 years old. All these crimes are symptoms of the larger, overwhelming Stockholm Syndrome going on in Gloria’s life. The way of the poor neighborhood is to overpower those who live there. Gloria’s father, though good at his job and able to solve monumental problems in the factory, is overlooked by the bosses for advancements that go to, according to Billy Wisher, “college men with their heads up their ass.” In the Chapter “A Child’s Christmas in Revere,” Billy tells a black man that he knows what it means to be black. Why? Because he perfected the shrink-wrap machine and didn’t get any credit or reward while his boss walked off with the patent and the profits. Class becomes another form of slavery.
    In a very real sense, the neighborhood is raping the people every day through violence, poor conditions, neglect and disrespect, and the people, in turn, abuse each other and are proud of being abused as red badges of courage. “I come from Revere, I come from Southie, I come from East Boston,” become wounds worn with pride, a daily war that has been survived with an injury to show for it like a Purple Heart, a shining medal of honor.
     Gloria’s father acted his power upon the one thing in his life that he could control – his daughter. But, for his daughter, incest became a sexual battle she had to fight in order to regain her self-respect. Gloria begins to sink down into sexual promiscuity. Only the love of another troubled girl can help bring her out, into the light of her own promise and recovery. 
   As Gloria says in the chapter, “An Ounce of Pride”: “Romantic and idiotic as I was, what gave me that ounce of pride to keep myself safe? So many kids before and after me went under, looking for love in an alley, oblivion in a bottle or bliss in a joint or a needle or a pill, hit by a Mack truck, rolled and left under an overpass, buried under layers of pigeon shit. So many kids ran away from home. I knew I was supposed to run away, but I was afraid.
            I thought street kids must be very brave. I admired them that they were filthy and slept in doorways and drain pipes, that they ate out of trash barrels like refugees of war, a trash can lid for their plate, maybe scraping it with a spoon. I admired them that they coughed and bled and washed in the gutter, that they went crazy with disease and malnutrition and the street. They were brave! Brave!
            I, on the other hand, ate and drank at my father’s table. I sat right next to him and sincerely laughed at his jokes. I snuggled under the cool, crisp sheets my mother washed for me and, on them I had sex of varying sneaky, cowardly sorts with her husband, her boyfriend, my own father. Under the illusion of a contract of innocence and obedience, I let my parents keep me safe - yes, safe - from murder and robbery, beatings and what I came to think of as violent rape.
            But, there are so many subtle violences. And I was tormented by guilt. For having done bad things, for having enjoyed them much of the time, for having become these things out of doing, memory and time, and for not having the guts to run away. I was guilty. I didn’t want to leave my mother’s lap, soft and flowery in her cotton housedress. I used to sit at her feet and kiss them in their old slippers. I loved their smell, like warm, roasted nuts just out of the oven. I couldn’t leave her refrigerator that I could open anytime for fresh bread and butter, a half wheel of Romano cheese, pounds of sweet ham and hot salami, cakes, pies, ice cream, puddings, apples, peaches, grapes, strawberries, milk and cream. The warm, steaming windows dripping with cooking and tables warmly full of people as the winter howled or sizzling barbeques outside in summer. I was weak and as I tasted these things and wrapped myself in warmth, I nearly vomited with shame. And, among these things, I wouldn’t leave my books and my drawings. And, on Sunday nights, as though I deserved it, I wanted to watch “The Wonderful World of Color,” in black and white and imagined the colors. I reminded myself of the Jews who stayed in Berlin because they couldn’t bear to leave the piano and of the Jew who admired a weed blowing in the icy wind because he knew it was as alive as he was, while the bodies he buried were not alive.
            Why didn’t I go under? What gave me the pride that swelled in me like the dirty grey storm waves at Revere Beach, the pride it took to not get pregnant and the gall instead to tease Boy Scouts and sailors? What gave me the madness to bat Rick Likus about with my paw? It was Mr. Lanza giving me a large gold star for my stories. It was Mrs. French and her long-taloned hand on my shoulder telling me I could write. It was Ma and Daddy - yes, Daddy - bragging that I might be a teacher, that I was going to college and that I would be the first in the family, telling their friends and neighbors with pride about the books I read, about my grades, asking me for information like I was an expert or an encyclopedia. Grown men and women, neighbors, calling on the phone to ask me how to spell a word. They let me know I was worth something: but, they didn’t know how to help me. The very people who confused me, hurt me and neglected me also exalted me. They gave me life, but it was a long struggle out the birth canal.
            And, my angel was out there, looking for me. I had one more very important step to take before I could meet her.”

©Patricia Goodwin, 2015

 More to come about Patricia Goodwin's latest novel, Holy Days, now available on Amazon.


Need help? 
RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network)


Call 800.656.HOPE (4673) to be connected with a trained staff member from a sexual assault service provider in your area.

How does it work?

When you call 800.656.HOPE (4673), you’ll be routed to a local RAINN affiliate organization based on the first six digits of your phone number. Cell phone callers have the option to enter the zip code of their current location to more accurately locate the nearest sexual assault service provider.






Friday, April 3, 2015

Revolutionary Common Sense: The Story of Shizuko Yamamoto

Recently, an old macrobiotic friend and teacher, Shizuko Yamamoto passed away. She was 91. I am posting her inspirational story here today via George Oshawa on Facebook. Shizuko suffered from leukemia when she was young, but turned her health and her life around by discovering shiatsu, yoga and macrobiotics. 

Shizuko's search was for a true way to happiness, that is: what is the body? how does the body work? how can I become strong and independent of sickness? how can I use health to accomplish something good in my life? to achieve my dreams?

Here is her story in her own words -



Shizuko in the Kitchen


Transforming Difficulty Into Happiness --- My Life's Journey


by Shizuko Yamamoto

Each individual must depend on their inner strength and commitment to succeed and achieve their goal of sound health and contentment. The following is my personal story. It is an account of my change to a better, healthier way of living. It's a journey that began many years ago.

At one time I was seriously ill. It was when I was in my twenties in Tokyo. My doctors felt that I was very close to having leukemia. I also had vision and eye troubles. I suffered over ten operations trying to correct my eye problem. Even more than the eye troubles generally I just didn't feel well. I was in and out of hospitals for three years. After my hospital traumas I stayed at home, almost hiding out for more than eight years. Because of these experiences I lost trust in western medicine. From my education and upbringing I grew up with a deep sense of trust and confidence in western ways. After my prolonged experience, I completely lost trust in this approach. Therefore I began looking for some alternative. I was committed to change and I knew what kind of outcome I was looking for. I wanted to be healthy.

While I was living at home with my parents I was introduced to shiatsu (Japanese style of finger-pressure massage). There was an older women, a shiatsu practitioner, who came to the house once a week to give my parents shiatsu treatments. She was an honest and sympathetic person. However at that time I hated the idea of the classical Oriental healing arts. My educational background had trained me to reject such unscientific and primitive nonsense. The problem was that because of my eye trouble and its effect on my neck and shoulder I had a great deal of stiffness and pain. I was deeply uncomfortable and complained to my mother. Finally I relented to my mother's request that I take one of Mrs. Fukumorita's shiatsu treatments. It felt so good! She was a nice person so I could talk to her about what I was going through. From this initial experience I began my study of the Oriental healing arts.

Change Begins -- In Japan

The first step began with my reading a book on yoga that was given to me by my aunt. This led me to attend yoga classes After taking these classes I immediately changed my way of life. I began with my diet. I started by cooking brown rice. I completely stopped eating animal foods, such as meat, chicken, and pork as well as sugar. Not eating sugar was very difficult for me, as I have since discovered is the case for almost everyone. I cooked brown rice, a variety of local vegetables, and seaweed. Everyday I would go out and walk a lot. I would do exercises and I began to meditate. In the morning I would open all the windows to let in the fresh air and perform deep breathing exercises for sometime. I practically changed my life overnight. Within one month I felt different. I felt much better.

From there I began to help out and teach at a Yoga training center. I saw many people guiding them with the Yoga exercises that I had learned. The Yoga style that I know has more movement than regular Hatha Yoga. It also includes individual corrective exercises. As I worked with more and more people I could see that each had variations of the same problems. The symptoms appeared to be different. But really the problems were the same. No one knew how to breathe or to move correctly. Each person improved using correct breathing and movement exercises. It was proven to me that if you make simple lifestyle adjustments you can get results. Sometimes students would need some extra help. They would do the Yoga techniques the best they could by themselves but their healing progressed slowly. At such times I would help them with shiatsu. I had taken beginning studies at the Namikoshi and Nishizawa schools of shiatsu. These shiatsu styles relied on the use of the practitioner's hands to do the treatment. While working at the Yoga dojo (training hall) one of my fellow teachers showed me how to use the foot during a partner exercise. After trying it during a shiatsu session I realized that using the feet was easier than using only the hands. I treated my friends with my feet and gradually developed a barefoot shiatsu style that included this foot technique. I never learned about using the feet in a class or school. It naturally evolved.

I continued my search of alternative healing methods with the study of Seitai. Seitai is a system of guided self-corrective exercises. This study was accomplished with Hidea Noguchi. His techniques are very effective.

I began to incorporate martial art principles into my style after my study of Aikido. Aikido was founded by Mr. Ueshiba and is considered a unique martial art. Through this study not only was I exposed to technical skills but also to universal principles of how nature functions. Realities such as the illusion of conflict and the unification of opposite forces deepened my understanding about the nature of reality.

This further helped to develop my shiatsu style. I found the corrective exercises of Yoga particularly useful so I combined them with shiatsu treatment. The two together achieved a much greater response than either one alone.

Fundamentally my initial search in Japan led me to the understanding that the foundation of the macrobiotic diet coupled with corrective exercises and shiatsu had tremendous power to cause change within an individual and the alleviation of suffering. For me this was a revelation. Especially considering my original outlook seeing natural healing techniques as foolish and a waste of time.

The Change Continues -- On To America

For the next ten years I applied myself to understanding traditional healing methods. While I was pursuing my studies of the healing arts in Japan I developed a holistic beauty school. People would come and be introduced to macrobiotic foods, healthful cooking, yoga, and exercise as well as beauty tips such as facial treatments and cosmetics.

The school was developing nicely when my teacher, Mr. George Ohsawa suggested that I could be more useful working in America to spread macrobiotics. I carefully considered Mr. Ohsawa's point of view and decided that he was correct. I would go to America. My purpose for coming to America was, following Mr. Ohsawa's wishes, to help promote macrobiotic activities. At that time I didn't have any plans to do shiatsu treatments. After I arrived in New York there was some legal trouble regarding macrobiotics. Consequently there were not many activities going on. Because of this I decided to work with Gloria Swanson, a famous film star, helping her with macrobiotic cooking. From Gloria Swanson's job I got another job working in a macrobiotic restaurant. While working in the restaurant some employees would complain about stiff neck and shoulders so I would quickly work on them for a few minutes and apparently they felt better because soon I was being asked to do many treatments. The employees would come to me and they told their friends who also would come for treatments. The fact that I was giving shiatsu spread by word of mouth. It was soon after that I began to earn a living from shiatsu.

Developing My Shiatsu Style

My treatment style had developed to include both the skills that I had learned from schools in Japan that primarily used the fingers and hands, plus the foot technique from my time at the Yoga center. These two styles along with the technical additions that I invented while working on the people of New York and the use of the macrobiotic diet became the "Barefoot Shiatsu" style.

New Yorkers are hard working people who tend to eat large amounts of beef, pastrami, hot dogs, eggs, and other animal source foods. This excessive consumption of animal protein together with their stressful mental work and lack of physical exercise produces exceptionally stiff, tight bodies. I developed a technique that is specifically directed toward addressing such inflexible conditions.
Technique wise from the beginning I would put a great deal of energy into giving a treatment. As time has progressed and I have seen tens of thousands of patients, the technique has become simpler and simpler. I have always taught this holistic style of treatment that includes diet, breathing, and corrective exercise with shiatsu. Before there were any macrobiotic training schools many young people would gather at Michio and Aveline Kushi's house in Boston and I would spend time sharing my experience with them. We did this many times. I was always treating patients and teaching students what I had learned. Later as interest grew large seminars were developed to share shiatsu with the public. Now many years later this information is being taught around the United States and in Europe. Shiatsu continues to grow and is sought after by many people.

Though I had many physical and emotional troubles, they were all healed. After I made the profound change to macrobiotic living principles my problems were cured. With these changes I developed more of a positive outlook. It has become easier for me to look on the bright side. When I was sick everything appeared negative to me. As my body healed itself I was able to do more work. I became involved in many interesting activities. I was able to forget my personal troubles. I soon began to feel good about things again.

After 40 years of living in Tokyo with my parents and friends, life gave me an opportunity to start over. It started with my practice of yoga and macrobiotics. It has continued with my move to the United States. This process initiated my new life. Before that time I had hardships with my illnesses but I never really had to work hard nor to depend on myself. To break away from my old ways and start a new life really felt good to me.

Following Nature

I feel that human beings who are in really good condition, those who are healthy in body and mind, will naturally have a positive outlook. Even if the environment is difficult and there are many hardships we can have a positive outlook. When your body and mind become weak everything looks bad, even if you are in a great environment. Everything is in a moving balance in nature. As we all belong to nature we aren't supposed to have many troubles. If we are healthy, we are able to cope and adjust to the challenges that inevitably affect us all. We have to follow nature's order to survive. When we violated nature's order trouble is sure to come. Most people however, never realize we are part of nature. My experience has proven the truth of this to me. To fundamentally change for the better we must learn from nature. We have no choice. If you don't have the will to change, your life is finished. You won't die right away but you will never change and your physical and emotional miseries will remain. Is this the life you were born to experience? If we as human beings cannot understand the simple message that we belong to nature we will be incapable of curing physical or emotional troubles. Nature created us. We cannot control nature. The key here is "how to discover what is nature's order." As humans, we have lost this sense. We must be able to feel it. If we can practice self-reflection, meditation, and even honest talking to ourselves, we will discover that we are part of nature. Nature is in us.

Much of the illness that exists today can be traced back to lifestyle. The number one cause of death is heart and vessel disease. This illness is practically 100% avoidable with dietary modifications. Although all scientific evidence points out this fact it has not been acted on by either the medical nor lay communities. I suggest that common sense action be taken immediately. This stance appears to be revolutionary. It may be revolutionary as it meets the current needs of a serious problem in an innovative, untried manner. It is my desire that individuals within society take it upon themselves to make appropriate changes. To take a stance individually and act upon it with logic and reason, particularly when it is outside the norm, takes courage. If society is to continue without extreme financial and emotional burdens, significant change must occur. The numbers of people afflicted with serious illnesses are ever increasing. A fundamental and rapid change to preventive health care and holistic techniques is essential to turn around human kind's race toward degeneration. The solution is simple and it can be done.

In one of his poems American poet Robert Frost said, "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference".



Lima Ohsawa (left) and Shizuko Yamamoto on the occasion of Lima's 88th birthday


You may remember Lima Ohsawa from my previous post These Are My Mothers
I would also like to post the following poem about Lima Ohsawa, "Mother of a Revolution," from my poetry book Atlantis, about the United States possibly being another Atlantis. 


Mother of a Revolution
(for Lima Ohsawa)

Catholic children are afraid
of the dark
after they say their prayers
and turn out the light,
they lie with one eye open

terrified

that the night will assemble itself
into a shape
that a sliver of light will grow
and grow
until it becomes an angel

or worse, Jesus
kind and sorrowful
or, most undeniable, His Mother
giving, her palms outward

these horror-struck
children, know,
they will be touched, no longer, innocent
if they see a vision
they must cast away their toys
leave cartoons behind forever
to fast and walk the earth barefoot
they might suffer torturous deaths
from which terror they must not cry out
or deny God, ever

so was I in awe when I was introduced to my Mother
she didn’t speak a word of English
she came all the way from Japan
and it was a big deal that she had stopped walking by
when she saw me
that she was being introduced
in hushed, hurried tones
by her little translator
to this thin, Catholic child

Now, I had spoken to her many times before this
in my heart,
asking, “Mother, you are far from me, but
I need help. What should I do for this ailment, or that?”
And, I could see her, as plainly as I did in front of me,
she held her hands across her lap, and said,
almost before I’d finished my prayer,
“Eat more brown rice.”
And, her r’s would roll like l’s, ever so gently

Now, she took both my hands and stepped toward me! Unheard of!
She was the Mother of a Revolution!
I was a nothing
the translator was silent
I waited for her to speak
I smiled, uneasily
My Mother held my hands
I tried to pull them away!
(I didn’t want to give up my toys! My pretty things!)
She pulled my hands back to herself!
to her hara
she looked, determined, into my eyes

What I would have given for the little translator to speak!
My home is in the eyes of my Mother
not a day goes by I do not visit them
and ask, “Mother, what would you have me do?”

What were you telling me? small brown eyes
most unremarkable 
elegant Western dress from fifty years ago
nylons, shoes
not even a kimono to help me

was I supposed to teach?

I taught, I kept my toys few,
my heart pure, my eyes and ears open
I embraced poverty
I know, my great sin,
I kept myself hidden from the world

“Mother, what would you have me do?”

only one thing remains

only one thing
the baby that was inside me
was that all you were trying to tell me?

that she would return to God?
am I that small?

is that all, when the personal life is dead?
when the axis will shift
and we will perish,
gasping mouthfuls of earth like the dinosaurs

tell me it was bigger, tell me I was bigger!
and I will be more comforted
the sucking up of oceans, the cracking of glaciers
tell me it was planetary, tell me it was destiny
the explosive creation of a star, no, a galaxy!
easily mistaken for

an embryo
a grain of golden grain

©PatriciaGoodwin, 2015

Patricia Goodwin is the author of When Two Women Die, about Marblehead legends and true crime and its powerful sequel, Dreamwater, about the Salem witch trials and the troubled 11-year-old pirate Ned Low. She has also written three books of poetry, and many articles about organic foods, macrobiotics and the dangers of GMOs, which can be found on her webiste patriciagoodwin.com.