Rape is About Sex and Sex is Power: Stop Saying It Isn’t!

Danae and the Shower of Gold Coins

Titian, 1544-45

At its best, sex is the ultimate power of loving and being loved in return. Lover and Beloved. This powerful force makes the world go round: people fall in love, get married, have children, cook, eat, work, play, travel, make art not war, and enjoy life.

Any upset to that serene balance of lover and beloved and we have rape, sexual assault, sexual molestation, sexual harassment and a myriad of other disturbing crimes, many of which are in the news now.

I have more than earned my right to speak. #notokay, #metoo are both absurd understatements compared to what happened to me. My real father put his dick in my mouth when I was 3 and my mother caught him. She wanted to commit suicide after first killing me. I don’t blame her. Her life was ruined. My father went on to abuse me for years starting again at age 11 when I was cognizant of what was happening, but still too young to know for sure that what Daddy was doing was wrong. I had the vague notion that I was cheating on my mother with her boyfriend. (It’s all in Holy Days.)

Those episodes were just the beginning of a lifetime of the kind of sexual harassment and assault that most women face every day. Boys “feeling me up” in school and on field trips: men, on a daily basis, since I was 12 years old, stopping their cars, opening the passenger door and asking me if I wanted a ride (I could have been murdered hundreds of times.); men pinching my ass on the street; men making comments on my breasts; men ogling me and grinning lasciviously; men harassing me while I put coins in the parking meter. I could go on. Men asking me to smile actually made me smile; it seemed friendly and funny compared to the trauma I’d gone through, though I can understand how some women might find it annoying or even threatening. It wasn’t until I moved to the quiet town I live in now that I could cross the street unmolested. I still remember the first time I stepped out of the car on the busy main street and walked to the coffee shop and not one man leaned out of his car window and hollered at me. Wow.

There have been professions I did not enter for of fear of being molested or sexually and professionally bullied – and, from the reports I’m hearing now, I was right.

I speak from experience. Long experience. I can tell you, as a victim, I do not appreciate it when I hear therapists and other so-called experts telling victims, “Rape is about power, not about sex.”

Bullshit.

Rape is absolutely about sex and sex is about power.

Sex is power. Think about how powerful you feel when you are looking sexually attractive. Think about what powerful men want to show off their wealth and power – a beautiful woman. What is the most powerful image in advertising? Sex. (Although, Death runs a close second.) What made you stop and look at this article? A bare breast.

Rape is about sex and sex is power. That’s why every rape victim feels powerless. Every victim is sexually damaged. That’s why victims have to re-learn their sexuality. This is especially true of victims of childhood abuse in which the abuse is their first sexual experience. Victims of child abuse must take that first experience forth into their lives, whether they want to or not, as the definition of sex. In fact, I’m willing to bet, for most, that first sexual experience becomes a deep, sexual identity to which they respond sexually from that day forward. It was like that for me. Of course, as I got older, I discovered other things that turned me on, but that first experience has been seared on my brain and sexuality.

Saying rape is about power, not about sex is a disservice to victims. Oh, sure, it’s a nice catch phrase and it probably helps victims for the first few seconds. But, then, the doubts creep in. “But, what about the way I feel when…” “But, why do I have trouble trusting a man?” “But, why do I feel so guilty? And dirty?” “Why would I rather not have sex at all than deal with any of it?”

Do I have a solution? Yes, get rid of guilt. Guilt is more bullshit. The only thing to ever feel guilty about is hurting another person or yourself. And, your guilt is hurting you. Drop it.

I’m glad about what’s happening now. Women are being taken seriously. Women are being believed. And society is responding with justice. Hopefully.

I am especially happy for the children. At least, I have hopes in that direction. A few adult men have come forward to say they were abused as child actors in Hollywood. Actor, Anthony Edwards. Michael Reagan, son of Ronald Reagan. Corey Feldman, Hollywood actor famous for his roles in “Bad News Bears” and “Stand By Me,” who has been screaming for decades about rampant sexual abuse by Hollywood producers, is finally being believed. I do wish he would take this opportunity while the tide is turning to speak up now and name names. I wish he would not wait to raise the $10 million he needs to make the kind of film he wants to make – or I wish someone would help him make his film, like in a Disney movie, magically, I wish a good man or woman would appear and help Corey reveal the truth. Not much can be done until these pedophiles are named and arrested. At the very least, and it's a lot, parents can stop lying to themselves about what’s going on in Hollywood and protect their children.

Children are out there even as I write, suffering. I hope they will be helped by the changes to come. I hope. But, the children seem to be the last to be heard. There is an International Sex Slavery system and if you don’t believe it, you are naïve. Hollywood is just a part of it. The Catholic Church is just a part of it. Every so often, there is a purge. It happened recently after a series of articles in The Daily Beast about the situation of children being used for sex. What usually happens is, the old are weeded out. One man is revealed to be a molester. His friends and cronies drop him like a hot potato, and, after a few months or so, he dies. That’s usually the pattern. It’s been the pattern for the international child abuse ring since time immemorial, since Caligula’s uncle used to throw little slave boys over the cliff when he was done with them, up till the present day, when care homes, like Boys Town; homeless kids and Hollywood child actors, are harvested for victims. One man said, in the film An Open Secret (not available at this time, but here's the trailer), about Hollywood child sex abuse, “that’s the way it’s always been!”

I’m happy for the actresses who, hopefully, no longer have to worry about the casting couch. I’ve watched them demure in interviews for years, saying, “Well, I’ve heard of the casting couch, of course, but I’ve never actually experienced it myself.” Now, they are finally talking. But I worry about the hotel workers, office cleaners, nurses, waitresses, farm workers, factory workers, big store clerks, small store clerks, late nights at McDonald’s, late nights coming home from the mall or the hospital or the office.

I’m hoping the justice we’re seeing now will translate into a deterrent in the future. Maybe that guy with a hard-on will think twice before “expressing himself” (what a man I know called sexual abuse) by violating another person. Senator Elizabeth Warren, in a recent interview on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, said, “…When the jerk over in accounting decides that pressing up against women who are caught at the coping machine might not be smart. When the boss decides telling those dirty jokes and talking about whose got great boobs and a killer ass, that he’d better re-think his management strategy, when that sort of thing happens for women all across this country, then we’ll know there’s been real change.”

But, really, I want to quote the Great Master of Horror, Stephen King - “I know they say that a stiff dick has no conscience, but I tell you now that some cunts have teeth…” By the way, the Indie film "Teeth" is available to watch now on Netflix.

Sex is power.

In Holy Days, my heroine, Gloria muses that every girl should get a pink gun at birth with five legal shots. Gloria decides that since men would never know how many legal shots were left in that gun, they’d have to behave themselves.

Sex is power.

©Patricia Goodwin, 2017

Patricia Goodwin is the author of When Two Women Die, about Marblehead legends and true crime and its sequel, Dreamwater, about the Salem witch trials and the vicious 11-year-old pirate Ned Low. Holy Days is her third novel, about the sexual, psychological seduction of Gloria Wisher and her subsequent transformation. Her newest book is Telling Time By Apples, And Other Poems About Life On The Remnants of Olde Humphrey Farme, illustrated by the author. 

Compliance: Sir! Permission to Bully, Sir! The Last Minority

Patricia Goodwin is the author of When Two Women Die, a novella about two women who died and became legends in the historic seacoast town of Marblehead, MA, available now on Amazon.

I haven’t seen the movie Compliance directed by Craig Zobel – yet. However, I am familiar with the real life story of 18 year-old Louise Ogborn’s terrifying ordeal at a Mount Washington, Kentucky McDonald’s as shown on ABC’s 20/20, a report unbelievably illustrated by the actual security film of the incident. In fact, if it were not for this security tape and police records, no one would believe this sordid incident happened. It reminds me of when General Dwight D. Eisenhower entered the death camps at the end of World War II: he ordered photos to be taken of every atrocity because, he explained, "The day will come when some 'son of 
a bitch' will say this never happened." There is a Nazi connection to this story, which comes later.

During the real life 2004 incident at the Kentucky McDonald’s, a male caller held Louise Ogborn hostage for several hours via her older female manager, Donna Summers, while communicating to Summers that he was a policeman, that the girl had stolen a purse from a customer and that she needed to be strip-searched. He ordered several other people around as well until the girl was sexually assaulted and humiliated. Incredibly, this is a true crime. Nearly 70 other incidents like it have occurred in 30 states, in rural areas such as Devil’s Lake, North Dakota; Fallon, Nebraska; Hinesville, Georgia; Fargo, North Dakota and Juneau, Alaska.

I have also seen the Law & Order SVU episode based on the 2004 crime, “Authority” starring Robin Williams as the caller, Professor Milgram, a character named after the Yale psychologist Stanley Milgram who conducted experiments on the willingness of subjects to follow orders, believed to be a study on whether people in general would comply with immoral acts or acts they knew were wrong, when - as the Nazis said they, in World War II, were  - just “following orders.” In the Milgram experiment, electric shocks were supposedly delivered to subjects who screamed, squirmed and begged the authority figure to stop. These subjects were never shocked. They were acting. Yet, in the experiment, subjects in “authority” were still willing to hurt their fellow human beings even though those suffering begged for mercy.

The implication of this movie, and the title Compliance, is that people will follow authority. Okay, sure, most people have cow genes in them. They follow the herd and the herd follows the shepherd, and I’m not talking about real authority here. Not God or His Son. Just “their manager.” Add to that herd mentality the fact that people in rural areas are taught obedience to all authority figures, however minor. Notice that the real life incidents of this horrendous crime did not occur in a major city where a more sophisticated young girl might have absolutely no shame in running down the street naked to escape this dilemma, nor would she have taken off her clothes in the first place. These incidents were always perpetrated in a rural town where there is only one job, one place to work, real embarrassment in losing a job, and - kids are taught obedience and respect. I always told my daughter that if any of her teachers or any authority figure, like a boss or a priest or a policeman asked her to do anything she felt was wrong or made her the least bit uncomfortable, I would tear down there and stand up for her, so she need never worry about saying, “No fuckin’ way!”

I digress. Ah, the soothing passion of rebellion.

I’m not going to talk about stupidity. That’s obvious. Or, is it?

You see, I think that this crime is not about following authority. I think it’s about taking part in violence against what I have always felt was The Last Minority – that is, beautiful, young women. No, scratch the young. Young only makes it more titillating. The woman does not need to be young. However, let’s say she is in order to discuss this movie, where the woman is young. In fact, she is a pretty, young girl.

Why are beautiful, young women The Last Minority? Simple. No one really cares about them, and no one will ever care whether they live or die except that “they look so good doing it.” (I’m quoting myself, a poem I wrote called “The Pretty Door” in my book Atlantis, poems about the United States being another Atlantis.)

Consider the news media. People who criticize the news media’s extensive coverage of the murders of beautiful women over the many other people who are killed are missing the real atrocity that’s going on. The criticism usually generated at the media is that only beautiful victims get coverage, but what’s really happening is that only beautiful victims look really good dead. Why? It’s about power.

Everyone, including the people watching this movie, wants power over the pretty young girl. The caller – Like most rapists, rape, even phone rape, is the only way he can have a “relationship” with a pretty girl. Her manager – This incident is her chance to have some real power over this pretty, young girl sparkling with promise and youthful energy just beginning her life, instead of coming to terms with sad, unfulfilled dreams, as her manager might be – in real life the female manager giggled when the perp asked if she were married, and though she was engaged at the time, her fiancé’s actions brought that dream to an abrupt halt. The creepy fiancé - like the rapist, would never have seen such a pretty young girl naked or touched such a girl ever in his life if it had not been for this perverse event. (At the very least, Walter Nix, the real life fiancé, was remorseful. He called a friend that very night and said he had done a bad thing.)

Each and every participant wanted power over the young girl, both in the movie and in real life. And, the movie viewers are also participating. We always do.

Power over each other is what we do every day.

We bully each other. There’s cyber-bullying, sibling rivalry, school bullying and bullying by managers on the job to both sexes for many different reasons that boil down to just one - we enjoy having power over someone, even for a minute.

In fact, the Nazis were the ultimate bullies. That’s such an understatement. I am reminded of another film, Woody Allen’s Hannah and Her Sisters in which Max Von Sydow’s artist character says about Nazis and The Holocaust, “The reason why they can never answer the question, ‘How could it possibly happen?’ is that it’s the wrong question. Given what people are, the question is ‘Why doesn’t it happen more often?’ Of course it does, in subtler forms.”
I think bullying is our way of life. The Director of Compliance said this, “The point of the movie is to be open to all interpretations, and the only reading that bumps with me is when certain people say, ‘Why didn’t they just not do it? Why didn’t they get another job?’” says Zobel. “I’ve had jobs like this. Some people have to eat shit for their jobs because they need the money.”  

           I submit that bullying is NOT exclusive to low paying jobs. I think the bullying goes on and on at every level to both sexes, some of it subtle, most of it direct and brutal. Brutal would be covert or overt sexual abuse and we all know that form of bullying happens mostly to beautiful women. An example on a subtle level, advice given to working moms: “Don’t ever say that you want to stay home because your child is sick. Say you are sick.” Of course, you can’t say that either after one day. No one can be sick for a week any more. That’s a luxury. Early on, I noticed a complete denial of the body and any of its needs in the business world. What do you mean you have to go to the bathroom? Comfort and convenience go out the window. Now, there are kitchens in most offices. Dare I believe things are changing? I doubt it. Every aspect of the office is a chance for bullying - from not being allowed to eat lunch or be sick to long hours and exhausting travel to good people being passed over for promotions and people being fired before their pensions are in effect  – no matter whether the pay is low or high – all of these are examples of bullying. As for “eating shit” – did you know that receptionists in some small businesses must also clean the bathrooms? That dirty little secret doesn’t show while she’s looking elegant at the entryway.

            I remember an incident that occurred while my husband and I were driving over the Mystic River Bridge, going south in Boston, MA. On the bridge, we passed about four police cars in a huddle around an Oldsmobile with its door left open. My husband asked the toll collector what had happened and she said, “Guy jumped,” without stopping for a moment her task of counting out our change, which she handed to my husband without another word or glance. Whose life was harder, that of the man who jumped or the toll collector’s? Who had been bullied worse in life?

We experience subtle bullying all day long in every day life. While waiting in line at the bank, at the DMV, the IRS, the whatever, every time even the smallest amount of power is given to a person they milk it for whatever it’s worth to torture someone else, usually in a petty way, whether holding up that person’s time, making him/her fill out another form, or just saying, “No, I’m sorry. I can’t help you.”

Hurting each other becomes entertainment. Oh, yes, even in real life, those who have the power, however petty, stand there with a little satisfied smirk on their face.

Sometimes that power is actually used to help our fellow human beings. There are millions of nurses, doctors, lawyers, teachers, police, firefighters, bank tellers, even store clerks and fast food wait staff who help people all day long and make their lives easier. Those would be the few good men at that Kentucky McDonald's who refused to comply with the caller. But, those few didn’t do enough.

Beautiful girls are probably most famous for bullying because in school they and their boyfriends are the cool kids and the cool kids are often the ones who bully everyone else. Again, they look so good doing it, right?  Obviously, bullying has a sexual element that is impossible to ignore. Sex is powerful. In its positive sense, loving sex is about the wonderful power of loving someone and being loved back. In its negative sense, people actually get a sexual thrill out of power over beautiful women. You can’t blame Compliance for violence against women, because Compliance is just telling the truth. The real issue is what we take away from the movie.

Is it fair for intelligent, rebellious people sitting high up in their NYC co-ops now criticizing the characters in the movie Compliance to judge those who need their jobs and are too timid to disobey authority, even petty authority?

Ah, yeah. It is.

It’s time folks to think for yourself and not “ask your manager” whether what you think is wrong is actually wrong. Doing something wrong or hurting someone is a moral decision, like following the Nazis. You can say no. I know a Vietnam vet who refused to torture someone during the war. If he can say no, anyone can. It’s time to stop zapping jolts of electricity into our fellow suffering human beings. We’re all in this together.

Here’s an interesting story about a beautiful woman – ah! I have your attention. I was a nerd in high school. The cheerleaders, who were exquisitely beautiful, used to torment us. They liked to slide down the stair bannisters when we were on our way to Accelerated English and drop us like bowling pins. I can still see their perfect, shining white teeth laughing.

One of those lovely cheerleaders came up to me in the grocery store years after high school. She said, “Patricia, I want to apologize to you for being so mean to you in school. I’ve had so much trouble in my life that I found out what it was to be hurt and I want you to know how sorry I am.”

I told her I had always admired her for her beauty and athletic skill. I also told her I didn’t remember her ever being mean to me, in fact, I thought she had been one of the nicer girls. I was saddened that her life hadn’t turned out as promising as it had seemed in high school.

We’re all in this together. Crime is crime. Hurt is hurt. Beautiful women are not made to be our victims. Compliance is not about people blindly following authority; it’s about people taking the chance to hurt someone who never hurt them instead of taking charge of their own lives.

It’s about a perverse sense of power over The Last Minority. God bless you, Louise. God keep you well and safe.

*UPDATE: Pat Healy, the actor who plays the caller, wrote an article for the Wall Street Journal, "How to Survive Playing a Sadist" about what it was like to actually see, on the set, the torment he was causing, even though he was witnessing actors' reactions. He threw up. The film Compliance, and the real life incident, have many levels of psycho: another observer said that the caller, by being remote, was playing God. I wonder if he was cold and distant, or getting off. Healy also commented in his article that the remoteness of modern technology was in some way responsible, that if the caller could have seen what he was doing, he would have stopped. However, I think Healy is reacting like a good man. The caller was evil, in my estimation - a taker - a person who takes away for his own gain at the loss of another.

**UPDATE:  I was about to post this blog url on YouTube, where I am PoetryTube, until my eye caught a comment below the trailer for Compliance. This comment by spikesamurai was obscene; it had 4 likes, and it proved everything I said in this blog post. I couldn't post my url because I didn't want anyone like that coming here and reading what I hope is a heartfelt, intelligent reaction to this film.

©Patricia Goodwin, 2012

The Pretty Door

This only opens the pretty door

hair eyes nose mouth
this time
God didn’t play a joke

or did He?

Pretty opens

not the talent door

bend over, clean the bathroom, make the coffee,

here, take out the trash

not the smart door

bend over, clean the bathroom, make the coffee, here, take out the trash

Pretty opens the rich door

“You are the equal of Kings!”

when she passes

for white bread

in a white world

she’s self-educated

that’s the key

when learning to speak

She mimicked her favorite actresses:

Myrna Loy as Nora Charles

Maureen O’Sullivan as Jane

Meryl Streep as anyone

She practiced grammar and

took an etiquette book from the library

in order to pass

for a short while

angels sing

“She shall have Springtime

wherever she goes.”

“...and, as she passed,

she took the Spring.”

“Wear a veil to hide your looks - and

keep it down!”

“Women’s faces have too much power!”

Blondes are the last minority

no one will care

if they suffer

except that they look so good doing it

and, when they are murdered,

they make sexy victims on the evening news

every one of them

fears being stopped

by a cop

on a lonely highway

as much as a black man

they are about as safe as a black man

“He told me to step out of the car…

he threw me against the car

and frisked me.”

“I rested my hand on the seat next to me.

He took it as an invitation.”

“He was waiting for me…”

“you could sometimes see

her twelfth year in her cheeks or her ninth

sparkling from her eyes;

and even her fifth would flit

over the curves of her mouth

now and then”

Her face only opens the pretty door

since she was twelve, she couldn’t

walk down the street

in peace

lying in a pool of blood

she had a restraining order

don’t sit next to a man unless you want it

“They put us in a trailer, it was so hot in there,

I couldn’t breathe.

I pushed my nose into a crack in the side.

I thought, this is it.”

“She was sleeping soundly

and upon her eyelashes there lingered tears.”

this still happens in Atlantis

©Patricia Goodwin

Atlantis (Plum Press, 2006)