HOLY DAYS – The Nazi

     Gloria Wisher has an imaginary Nazi lover. I had an imaginary Nazi lover.

    Like my heroine in Holy Days, Gloria, I was born in 1951. Though WWII had ended six years before, my parents and grandparents talked a lot about the Nazis. I heard fearful stories about the Nazis in the same way I heard fairy tales or nursery rhymes. I was just as afraid of the wolf in “The Three Little Pigs,” and constantly asked my mother, “What’s our house made of?” “Wood.” “Is that the same as sticks?” “I guess so, why?” “Because the wolf can blow down sticks.” I asked the same kind of questions about the Nazis. My mother went around the house saying, “The Nazis fixed everything, they fixed everything.” By that she meant they had taught us how to kill and how to be cruel on a global level. Usually this outburst was sparked by an atrocity on the news. The adults frequently made remarks such as “The Italians would have been next because they changed sides during the war.” “But Grandma’s Italian!” I had heard tales of what could happen if you had a Jewish grandmother and I was worried. “Oh, don’t worry, the Germans lost the war.” Or when my mother would answer my queries with, “Oh, the Nazis would have loved you! You got the blonde hair and the green eyes!” Daddy said, “They would’ve come after people with freckles next.” “Do I have freckles?” “A few.” “Don’t worry, the Nazis lost the war.”

     But, I worried. I could hear a certain tone of stunned admiration in the adult’s voices. I knew in my child’s heart that they secretly admired certain qualities of their Nazi enemy. Power. Control. Cunning. Relentlessness. The singular awe that the Nazi terror and the Holocaust had actually occurred. That awe would remain hanging in the air in the inevitable silence that followed every discussion.

     And, the movies. As a shy child, I watched a lot of television by myself rather than going out to play, where I was constantly bullied by kids who beat me up for getting As. I stayed in and watched many, many black and white movies about the Nazis: Nazi experiments, Nazi concentration camps, the French Underground, weeping men and women as the Nazis marched into Paris, people living in bombed out shells of buildings, people pulling hidden bottles of wine, sausages and loaves of bread out from their tattered coats to share with Jews hidden in their walls. I saw “The Diary of Anne Frank,” I saw “The Pawnbroker.” When the pawnbroker said, “I didn’t die. Everything I loved was taken from me and I did not die.” I was oddly comforted. At the time, I was a devout Catholic child who believed in the trials of the Catholic saints. Like the Catholic saints, the lesson learned was: if it’s not the boiling oil, if it’s not the concentration camp, then you are going to be okay. You can take it. I had been abused and I was already wondering what had happened to me, wondering why such a thing had been done by the very person who was supposed to be protecting me, but I knew that it was not as bad as what had happened to the pawnbroker, or the saints, and, if I had anything to say about it, I was going to be okay.

     I was eleven. I had no conscious knowledge of the fact that I had already been abused when I was three years old. But that wouldn't have changed my determination.

     I wrote Holy Days for the children. I know children can’t read the book because of its sexual content, but I also know that children are out there ironically enduring and suffering from the very acts they cannot read about and really should read about because they would know if they read Holy Days that they’re going to be okay, that they can be okay. I hope adults will read it and start treating children like cognizant beings who know something’s going on about which they need to be told the truth and comforted.

     I created a Nazi lover and I gave this Nazi to Gloria to help her gain some power and control over what was happening to her. Here is her first encounter with the Nazi, which she uses to try to explain a sexual assault by “the boy next door,” her mother’s best friend’s son, who did everything the Nazi does to Gloria in this scene:

THE NAZI

The Nazi officer came into the room. He looked at me where I was, on the bed. There was nothing in the room but a bed, lamp and table. No curtains on the window, which looked out on a bleak, winter field.

            The Nazi was handsome. He was always handsome. I wasn’t afraid of him. I loved him because he kept me safe in this room and he was never cruel to me; he was always kind.

           Never was there any question of my family or my friends, never any betrayal, or any politics, only this handsome man slowly removing his uniform, coming over to me where I was on the bed.

            I was naked, under the covers. Warm and naked. I was giving him something he could not get outside this room.

            He lay on top of me, but, suddenly, he was wearing his full uniform again! He pushed himself hard against me, and again, hard.

            Then, he was naked again, and he held me. His warm, wet lips brushed against my cheek, which was cold, exposed as it was to the chill in the room.

     We see two more encounters with Gloria and this Nazi, but Gloria makes it clear that she has created many such encounters, scenarios in which she controls the action. I don’t think people are aware of how many times beautiful women are sexually assaulted in their lives. Beautiful women are treated as objects of desire for the entitlement of men. They are presented this way in the media and in life. Like Gloria, men stopped their cars for me as I walked to the library, to school or to church from the time I was about twelve years old and could go places alone.  Many, many times I could have been killed if I had been a different sort of girl, an adventurous girl who might have thought a car ride was preferable to walking alone. Luckily, God made me shy. My life was saved over and over by the fact that I preferred to walk by myself. After a while, beautiful women begin to value men who do not try to have sex with them, men who actually like them for conversation, friendship, and dare I say it, their minds. But, I digress. My point in digressing is that Gloria had many, many incidents she needed to explain to herself, many times when she needed the Nazi to protect her. Why she didn’t choose the Allies, I cannot say, except that by conquering the Nazi (who also finds respite from the war in that room), she had conquered the worst enemy of all.

     During her many lonely hours of reflection and observation watching television, Gloria also sees the resemblance of our culture to the Nazi ideal. Over and over she sees the physical perfection of advertising models, TV personalities and Hollywood actors. “Perfection,” Gloria decides, “is the minimum daily requirement.”

     And when President Kennedy is assassinated in 1963, Gloria is twelve.

NOVEMBER 22, 1963

THE MOMENT

What difference does it make to history or anything else where any of us were at the precise moment we heard?

            The difference is this: that was the moment we all, collectively, stopped believing.

            We stopped believing in goodness.

          Mama used to click her tongue, whenever she thought about it, in her vague, muddled way: “The Nazis fixed everything, they fixed everything, they fixed!” She was right. The Nazis made it so we could get used to anything. Someone, a man who had survived the death camps, talked once about being forced to shovel graves for the Nazis. He talked about how enormous the hole was and how cold he and the other shovellers were, how very cold. He talked about seeing a weed blowing in the cold wind and thinking how happy he was to be alive, just to see that weed, to know the weed was alive under the freezing snow and how grateful he was to feel the terrible cold because he was alive - and he knew, then, that human beings could get used to anything.

           For a long time, the Nazis were very far away. First, they were in Europe, then, they were in the past. The Nazis were not us, but we became them. We invited them in.

          From the moment the shot rang out, the Nazis, like the devil himself, rose up from hell and rushed to our side. From that moment on, we learned to turn our heads and check our backs; we learned suspicion and fear. At first we were horrified at ourselves and then, we got used to our fear. And then, we got used to our horror. And, then, we became proud of our horror and began to wear it ahead of us, not as a shield, as a medal.

         We were so frightened by the Nazis, that we became the Nazis in order to keep it from happening to us again. We had the comfort of knowing, no matter what we did, no matter how evil, we could never be as bad as the Nazis.

         In Revere, bad had become a virtue. Bad was it. I heard of kids who wouldn’t come to Revere. That struck me as funny, because there were other cities, like Dorchester and Roxbury, where I was afraid to go, even in the car with my parents. Sometimes, bad is all there is. It starts to look good after a while. Bad makes you tough. It makes you ready.

     I still think of Gloria’s assessment when I watch the news. When I watch cops beating people in the streets, when I watch race riots, when I see women’s rights being taken away, when I read stories about children being sexually abused or sexually trafficked, when I see old people being disrespected, when I see LGBTs being mistreated, when I see the sacred lands of indigenous peoples being fracked, when I see our veterans neglected, homeless, jobless, and suffering from their wounds, when I see the earth melting, and the DNA of everything God created being arrogantly altered for money, I think of what the Nazis taught us: how to be ruthless, how to take from others, how to hurt and maim and tear apart – but not destroy – no, because ultimately, like Gloria I believe in the triumph of good over evil. I need to quote a hero (who shall remain anonymous, unless you recognize her) from a sci-fi thriller, a line that has helped me survive: “God never lets the devil win.” Ultimately, whether we become Nazis or not is our choice. Ultimately, no matter what we suffer, we get to choose whether to be good or evil. Evil cannot kill us. But good can help us live. As my dear Gloria said: “They tried to kill me in this place of love and horror. They tried to kill me but they couldn’t because I loved too much.”

©Patricia Goodwin, 2015

Patricia Goodwin is the author of When Two Women Die, about Marblehead legends and true crime and its sequel, Dreamwater, about the Salem witch trials and the vicious 11-year-old pirate Ned Low. Holy Days is her third novel, about the sexual, psychological seduction of Gloria Wisher and her subsequent transformation.

12:00 Noon December 21, 2012 Take Me Higher

     The Hopis said we would be communicating on an invisible web when it happens. Astrologers say we are moving into a different age, The Age of Aquarius. In India, 2012 marks the end of the Kali Yuga, or degenerate age. The Mayan call it the World of the Fifth Sun, an awakening to a more spiritual time. It’s been happening now for a while, this movement away from the material world of the Fourth Sun into a new, more spiritual era. Transcendentalists tried to tell us about ether in the late 1800’s.  Nostradamus called it the Apocalypse – the lifting of the veil – a time of enlightenment. Unfortunately, this enlightenment could be accompanied by violent shifts in the earth; a time of transformation will ensue, both environmental and social.

     Planets will be getting into line – that is, Mercury, Venus and Saturn - can be seen over the pyramids of Giza on December 3, 2012.

     On 12-21-12 at 12:00, Ophiuchus, the thirteenth sign of the Zodiac – remember the original Roman calendar had 13 months - will move into place along with all the planets; the earth’s axis will form an eight-spoked wheel with the equator of the galaxy; and the sun will rise on December 21, 2012 and move into position to the center of the Milky Way by noon. This alignment happens once every 26,000 years, and each time, life on earth enters a new phase. 

     Who is Ophiuchus? He is a very large man who carries a very large snake. According to Mayan lore, their own Ophiuchus, will hand over that snake or the Staff of Power to the Spirit of the Feminine at noon on December 21, 2012.

      Get ready guys, it will happen whether you like it or not. You’re going to get in touch with your feminine side. The earth is going to move in mysterious ways.

      Hmm, a snake and a woman and a tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

      The Mayan refer to the World of the Fourth Sun as being a time of materialism, selfishness, darkness and evil. The World of the Fifth Sun will be one of spirituality, openness, unity and light. A lifting of the veil, knowledge of good and evil.

      Nostradamus gives us this illustration from his Lost Book. He talked about One Man who would guide us during this time. Does anyone come to mind? Nostradamus speaks of One Man, yet he has two women and a deer (symbol of the Goddess and virgin huntress, Diana) standing ready to receive the book he is handing them. The book on whose pages nothing yet has been written.

     In the 1970’s Broadway musical “Hair”, the singer belts out the song Age of Aquarius in a voice that seems to resonate in the universe -  “When the moon is in the 7^th house and Jupiter aligns with Mars/Then peace will guide the planet and love will steer the stars/ this is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius/ Harmony and understanding/sympathy and trust abounding…mystic, crystal revelations and the mind’s true liberation, Aquarius Aquarius/ Open up your heart/let the sunshine in!”

      Astrologers have denounced these lyrics as "astrological gibberish", noting that Jupiter aligns with Mars several times a year and the moon is in the 7th House for two hours every day. These lines are considered by many to be merely poetic license.
      But many astrologers feel we will be moving into a time of greater spiritual energy and unity amongst people. 

What have we seen happen so far?

•      We elected an African-American President not once, but twice! (Let’s pause a minute, I want to savor that.)
•       Global warming is finally being looked at as real, a revelation very much like the Catholic Church finally apologizing to Galileo in 1991. 

•      Evil chemical companies tried to take over Mother Nature; Mother Nature fought back with GMO resistant weeds and worms. The people fought back with organics.

•      Oprah’s Organics!
•      An organic garden at the White House. Can the restoration of President Carter’s solar panels be far behind?
•      2012 saw more women elected than ever before. 
•      The GOP whacked themselves over abortion and rape. (Were they trying to throw the election?)
•      Medical Marijuana and Recreational Marijuana legalized in some states.

•      Gay Marriage was legalized in more states.      

•      Petfriendly work places. Naps at work. Babies at work. No dress code at work. Apocalypse!

•       Occupy Wall Street – you mean the people don’t want more gruel?

      We’ve also seen super storm nearly destroy one of the most important cities in the world. We’ve witnessed a Tsunami wipe out an entire area. (In all fairness, a previous generation had literally left signs indicating DO NOT BUILD BELOW THIS POINT along the mountainside. These signs were ignored.)

      NASA has documented a bulge at the equator caused by a change in Earth’s gravity, which could be interpreted as a movement of the Poles.  (This 2002 article, “Satellites Reveal a Mystery of Large Change in Earth’s Gravity Field” is currently unavailable.)

     The Mayans say we will move from concern over the physical elements of earth, air, fire and water to focus on the spiritual element of ether. Ether, defined by Wikipedia as  “[Ether]The quintessence, or fifth element, was a term used by medieval to alchemists for a substance similar or identical to that thought o make up the heavenly bodies. It was proposed that a little of the quintessence was present in things on earth, meaning that things on earth could be affected by what happened in the heavens…Alchemy then dealt with the isolation and use of this fifth element.


      Transcendentalists, a spiritual movement of the late 19^th Century, considered the ether to be where 
spirits lived, in other words that the ether was filled with our charged, collective spiritual energy.


      Present day Mayan elders say, "The prophesied changes are going to happen, but our attitude and actions determine how harsh or mild they are. We need to act, to make changes, and to elect people to represent us who understand and who will take political action to respect the Earth… "We live in a world of energy. An important task at this time is to learn to sense or see the energy of everyone and everything -- people, plants, animals. This becomes increasingly important as we draw close to the World of the Fifth Sun, for it is associated with the element 'ether' -- the realm where energy lives and weaves. Go to the sacred places of the Earth to pray for peace, and have respect for the Earth, which gives us our food, clothing, and shelter. We need to reactivate the energy of these sacred places. That is our work.” 

We still have a long way to go, provided it all doesn’t end on December 21 at noon. Organic proponents still fight for organics (God’s own provision for us.) and against GMOs and chemicals in food. Wildlife advocates still fight for every inch of pristine wilderness and for every endangered animal. Animal rights advocates still fight the good fight for helpless animals. Vegans still mourn the death of each and every cow, lamb, steer, bird, fowl, goat and fish. 27 million people are still enslaved in this world now moving toward spiritual enlightenment.

Some people are committing suicide over fear of the end of the world. I say, “Don’t suicide.” We know from suicide near death experiencers that suicide is no relief from pain. In fact, suicides go to dark place, near death suicides tell us. I always think of the quail in “Bambi.” She is safe, but she cannot bear the suspense so she runs out screaming. I identify with the quail. I tell myself, don’t do it, don’t run out screaming. 

 And, what if it all does end on December 21, 2012 at noon? Won’t it have been worth it? Remember Woody Allen’s character’s spiritual struggle for answers in “Hannah and Her Sisters”? He walks all day in New York City only to find himself in a movie theater watching a Marx Brothers movie. All the characters on the screen are dancing and singing a very silly song and they’re having a great time and they are all passed on.  Woody’s character says, “So what? So what if we all die? Aren’t you glad you were here and you were a part of it?”

And - I’m glad that we are now communicating on an invisible web – what could be more unifying than the internet?

Present day Mayan elders teach us: “The greatest wisdom is in simplicity. Love, respect, tolerance, sharing, gratitude, forgiveness. It's not complex or elaborate. The real knowledge is free. It's encoded in your DNA. All you need is within you. Great teachers have said that from the beginning. Find your heart, and you will find your way."

 
©Patricia Goodwin, 2012

      

two poems from the housewife by Patricia Goodwin:

antikythera

sleeping is the hardest job

she does all day

since the children are grown

she seeks out the stars for solace

hungry for stars, deep in the night

she searches the dark blue street lighted sky for one, just one

to hang her dwindling hopes upon

watching

watching that one might move

oh, yes, they have moved

and not in kind directions

once coming swiftly toward her

flaring red on fire

becoming brighter and bigger as it came closer

looking her directly in the eye as one who would purposefully consume her

beside her, her husband shouted, “it’s nothing! nothing!”

it suddenly turned and burned out

with a pop

another time,

quietly leaving its place in line

and falling calmly in an arc

toward the ocean

perhaps a small, furry cuddly thing

would assuage her empty arms

better than hot stars

even so, would she ever stop asking herself

why there are

patterns of Sagittarius

ruined in Egypt

and on Mars?

she knows where he points his arrow

into the center of the universe

into the black hole where the sun will rise

one day too soon

oh, too soon!

•  

she tries to stay grounded

but when she walks

her feet froth with fallen blossoms in spring

snow in winter

each foot is a country frothing with fallen flowers or red snow

there are no more countries, only banks

she is born like Aphrodite in a cold land

she is haunted by the loss of the antikythera

golden instrument of the stars, nameless device,

named after the island where it was found

buried among the arms reaching from under the ocean floor

among the glistening bodies of broken gods

while scientists wastes her time arguing about it

she knows

one must remember and forget oneself

one must believe in more than one god to comprehend

vastness, that her vastness is ordinary, daily

fractals are not chaos! they are her bloodstream!

she wants back

her lineage to the stars, to the gods, to the planets

her daily horoscope and the phases of the moon

she regrets the years spent not learning alchemy!

oh, too soon!

      

the last day

on this, the last day of the world

she wants everything to be the same

everything must be the same

the coffee cup waits for the computer to boot

the bean pot bubbles

the mailman makes his way down the street

the bus stops and goes

she dusts for the millionth time

as though she can make routine eternity

she stands

every day

at the center of a vortex

her arms outstretched

east and west

her dining room

a henge

one hand touches sunset, the other,

dawn

twice a day

the crystal centerpiece

explodes

she turns the never ending planets

the flag in her heart

©Patricia Goodwin  2012

"the last day" was previously published in The Potomac: A Journal of Poetry & Politics. 

Patricia Goodwin is the author of When Two Women Die and Atlantis, poems about the United States being another Atlantis, among other works.